Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
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Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination