I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
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Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad