Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Generation gap…
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying