Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
This is me 🤣🤣
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I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big