I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes![]()
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i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
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Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Erm…
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.