I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
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Room with a view.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.