you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
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Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.