Boy never ceases to amaze me
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me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.