[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
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I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Dune (2021)
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.