I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
You Might Also Like
Storm Tropical Storm
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”