Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
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[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
This January has 47 Mondays
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.