Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
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the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.