I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
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My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Gemma Correll
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
remember
only for emergencies