Every time.
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Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.