Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
You Might Also Like
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.