I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
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If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Beware of fowl play.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!