Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
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You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.