Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
The Compass
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…