*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
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When you let grandma cat sit
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
yeah 😭
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶