If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I鈥檓 cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they鈥檙e called bars
Isn鈥檛 it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
March 16
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it鈥檚 like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don鈥檛 mind if I do
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!