Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”