Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
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How dude HOW?!
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
uh oh
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.