I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
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11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*