Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
🐕🍷
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*