Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
You Might Also Like
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Oh the world we live in…
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.