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I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
OKAY DAD
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !