as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
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Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!