Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
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“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
He just like my cat fr
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?