@iAmDelFreaky They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
@AndyAsAdjective [1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
You Might Also Like
@iAmDelFreaky 
@KalvinMacleod CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
@Cheetoe4 My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
@Brianhopecomedy My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
@longwall26 People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
@bingowings14 the chicken was already gone when I got here
@Sean_Hegarty My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
@Crunch11b “This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
@bridger_w “Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
@OfficeofSteve Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)