[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

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They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*



It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.


My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….


My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.


People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.


“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.


“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation


Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)