Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
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I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Print is alive and well!!!
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
This is my favorite one of these!
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!