@KateWhineHall

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

You Might Also Like

@chuuew

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

@zachary_lampley

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

@noog

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

@Dawn_M_

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

@cookie_mumbles

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

@MatCro

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”