[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
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ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.