Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
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[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
#parenting
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone