Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
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[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Breaking news:
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.