Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
You Might Also Like
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.