How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”