i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅