A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
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I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…