I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
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I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Get in loser we’re going crying
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.