@rikpayne

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

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@RandyRainbow

Why the fuck would I want to “groom” MORE people into being gay when it’s already damn near impossible to get a brunch reservation in this town

@DominicGraz

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

@david8hughes

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

@sarcasticmommy4

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

@scorpiusryan21

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

@UtilityLimb

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

@bazecraze

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

@mazizkhalifa

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?