I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

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Why the fuck would I want to “groom” MORE people into being gay when it’s already damn near impossible to get a brunch reservation in this town


I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.


[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends


A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.


If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.


Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.


My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions


I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”


I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.


I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?