Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.