I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
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There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
pep talk
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
50 shades of grey = my Liver
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.