50 shades of grey = my Liver
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?