50 shades of grey = my Liver
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Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED