@ruslg1
@JediGigi I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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@JediGigi 
@dance_blessed I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
@TravLeBlanc I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
@trevso_electric Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
@papasuncle Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
@NYC_Blonde Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
@Brentweets America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
@ktmcburr This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
@WilliamRodgers Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
@badbanana A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.