50 shades of grey = my Liver
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
What about a To-Don’t List?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad