@ruslg1

50 shades of grey = my Liver

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@JediGigi

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

@dance_blessed

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

@TravLeBlanc

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

@trevso_electric

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

@NYC_Blonde

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

@ktmcburr

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

@WilliamRodgers

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

@badbanana

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.