Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Worth remembering.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.