Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
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Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.