[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
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I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Bro what is this
#Caturday
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!