HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
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in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
This took me a second..
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
This is amazing.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?