You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
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I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes