My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Close call…
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*