imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.