imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
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i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh