Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome