Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
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*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
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Me: Same.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”