Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
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some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.