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Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
🤣🤣
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?